just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
