listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
