As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
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This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
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I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize