he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
