Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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