The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
