Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
