i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
