Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
