Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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