I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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