dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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