The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
