I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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