i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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