I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Green mimosas i think yes
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
