dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
