Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
