Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
