My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
