??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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