So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
