No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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