This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He better not be in your backpack
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
