Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
operation harelip BJ is a go
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
