I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
