the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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