He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
