So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
