I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
