There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
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Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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