It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
