How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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