Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
