Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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