can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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