my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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