Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
