im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I should be sponsored by Trojan
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
