every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
