Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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