I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
