I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
