Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
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what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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