Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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