I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he just fucked me for my cheese.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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