so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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