if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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