The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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