i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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