I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
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Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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