my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
