dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
