Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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