Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
