my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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